Emily's Story part 3

I am calling this Emily's story, but I realized this morning that it is my story too. It is helping to write this down even if it was four years ago. I don't think I have processed it fully in these last four years. It has only been very recently that I have come out of the dealing with Emily fog. And, please don't think I say that with any bitterness. I LOVE MY CHILD...dearly...I would never trade her or any of this for anything. Because of all the things that I am writing about, she and I have a DEEP bond that I never would have had otherwise. I have a deep bond with Ben as well, it is just really different. Emily is my girl, she is my precious little girl that slept with me almost every night for two years, and on my chest for 18 of those months. I resented her for a time, but what I have come to realize is that I did not resent her, but God. But I will get to that. This is just a small disclaimer because I do not want anyone to think that I don't feel truly blessed by this child every single day of my life.

Now that that is said...let's get on with the story...

We left off with Emily at 12 weeks old. So if you haven't guessed yet that at 12 weeks old things did not magically change. I was slipping deeper and deeper into my depression, and I had to go back to work. I had been working most of my maternity leave, because that is just the way it goes in publishing. But, now I was required to go back into the office for about eight hours a day, and be coherent and do my job. So Emily went to school and I went to work. Nights grew increasingly worse because there was absolutely no time to catch up on my sleep. And I should fill you in on all the things I was trying to do as well.

I was on the Women's Ministry Board at our church and one of my responsibilities was to plan our only outreach for the year which was the Christmas tea. And now I know what you are thinking...WTH???? But stick with me here...you remember me control freak who can't give anything up or let anyone down? Yeah well if you forgot there is your reminder. ;) So Tracye dedicated herself to helping me with this monumental project. And without her I would NEVER have been able to pull it off. I actually should not even say that I pulled it off, I should say that she did. I did my fair share yes, but she pretty much planned it and pulled it off. She is forever my hero. I will never be able to thank her enough or really express my complete and total gratitude.

So newborn, 18 month old, husband, working, and planning the Christmas tea/brunch. Under normal circumstances this is a lot and anyone who decided to do it would be crazy, but these were not normal circumstances by any stretch of the imagination.

This is where things start to get really difficult. If you can't tell that I have been stalling, I have. This is the part that I keep hidden, deep down in the depths of my soul. I hold there and never let it out. I always worry about what is going to happen when I let it out and it just seems like I will die so I keep it hidden. So if I keel over writing this you will know why. :)

At twelve weeks I took Emily in for a check-up and told her pediatrician that things were not any different. She still wasn't sleeping and when you did lay her down to sleep she would sleep for maybe twenty minutes before you could see her wake herself up. She looked like she was in pain and uncomfortable. I kept endless notes and logs about her. I was literally going crazy, certifiably crazy. I was living off about three hours of sleep a night, some nights no real sleep at all.

So the pediatrician told me to take her to get an upper GI to see if she had reflux. So we headed to the hospital and they did the upper GI, and yes of course she had reflux and it was affecting her lungs. SO...now reflux medicine in her milk. Okay, so this helps, a little. We are both so very sleep deprived, but I am somehow managing to make it to work and get something done, plus be a mom. But here is where the honesty starts to come in...not a wife.

This is also the part of the story where my PPP or Post Partum Psychosis begins to creep in. I somehow decide that Chris is going to leave me, and in my brain I begin to plot how this is going to happen, and I'll be damned. He is NOT going to leave me, and if he does he will have nothing...I MEAN NOTHING...no kids, no money, nothing, and I would have what I needed...right?

My brain became consumed with these thoughts all the time. I didn't know where they came from, and when my head would clear I would wonder what was going on. My coherent moments were few, but they were there and I would make a pact with myself to keep them and to stop the preparations I was making. But then, they were gone. I couldn't hold onto them anymore than you can hold onto a wisp of smoke. They felt like they would just float through my fingers.

Okay...this is all I can do for now. I know some of you who know me actually know what is coming next. If you can believe it things with Emily actually get worse, and I continue to get worse as well. It seems like a lifetime ago, but still so real to me. Chris if you are reading, which I am pretty sure you are not, I am sorry, you should probably skip this unless you want to relive the whole thing over again, sweetie. And I have to say my husband is saint material. I don't think there is anyone out there who could love me more. We have our moments, but I love him and I know with every fiber of my being that he loves me. As I finish up this story in the next day or so you will see just how much he loves me.

Part Two of Emily's birth story...

I won't continue to chronicle her life every day until her birthday, but I thought I would at least finish what I started yesterday. It is still VERY difficult to remember her first 18 months of life. But for some reason I am feeling like I need to write this down.

Emily was in the NICU for seven days. The first four days because of her lungs, and the last three because of jaundice. She was literally glowing. When you see the pictures from yesterday you will notice that I am holding her with a lighted blanket. If you took her out of her warmer you had to keep the blanket on her. Her little eyes were kept closed all the times because of the lights. I had a very hard time looking at her. I remember thinking the whole time that I just wanted my baby to come home with me.

The day I went home from the hospital I cried the whole way home. Then I had to go into the bedroom where her bassinet was and I almost passed out. Of course I felt like no one understood what I was going through at all. Everyone around me seemed to have healthy babies. I had to call my mom because I couldn't drive since I was on pain meds for my gall bladder. She came up that evening and the next morning we started going up there every day until she was out.

Every day I would try to talk to the doctor about what had happened, why, and what the long term prognosis was going to be, but I never got an answer. I kept being put off. Then came the day to go home. We went through our exit class and were told that they wanted us to stay in the NICU one night with her. So we went home and got all our stuff and my mom and I stayed with her. Our very first girl's night!

I loved putting her diapers on away from the watchful eyes of the NICU staff. They had been watching my every move since she had been admitted to the unit. And if you don't know me very well then you might not know that I am all about control. Unmedicated births of my children had way more to do with control than it had to do with how the meds affected them. That entered into it, but if I am honest with myself I KNOW the real reason.

So the next afternoon we were on our way home, FINALLY. Her first ride in rush hour traffic...UGH! Then when we got home she was a perfect baby...seemed just fine. I put the hospital paperwork away and decided that I didn't need to read it. She was fine now, right?

We had three weeks of bliss...then the fourth week things began to really change for her. I noticed she wasn't sleeping at all. I mean AT ALL...I know you are all saying...that is the way newborns are, but the kid slept MAYBE three hours a day. And when I say a day, I mean a 24 hour period, not during the daytime hours. And she was ALWAYS unhappy. ALWAYS.

Of course I had done this before so I took her to the doctor, totally frazzled. Our pediatrician, a good friend, God love her, told me she thought I might be having a hard time adjusting to my second child. Please don't think I blame her for anything, because I don't. It is hard to know when everything looks fine. She also told me that Emily had colic and that when she turned 12 weeks old that things would be fine. I just had to make it through the next 8 weeks. I kept protesting, but she was sure, so I believed her.

So we somehow survive the next 8 weeks. I start getting a sitter to come and relieve me one day a week so I can get out of the house. My friend Tracye started really taking care of me. She would call every day sometimes two or three times a day. She also came and took Emily for a day away from the house and brought her back after dinner. I would NEVER have survived without her. I began to slip deeper into post-partum depression and a little psychosis. I didn't want to take my anti-depressants because I wanted to nurse her...yes I was holding onto this in the midst of everything else. JEEZ...the silly things that are important to us. I HAD TO BE SUPER MOM...right?

So the eight weeks pass with VERY little sleep for me or Chris. Things do not get better. But that is the next part of the story. It gets better I promise...tomorrow's post will probably be the worst of it...but please keep reading. I feel the need to post this and tell anyone who is reading. The Lord is leading me through this.

Fashionista

Here is my fashionista...modeling my new product for the store! I made three last night they are so easy to make and fun! I am thinking of having a giveaway...what do you guys think???

Favorite Blog of the Week

Okay so you remember that I was going to do this on Saturday's? WELL.....not so much!

My favorite blog of the week this week is a scrapbooking mommy blog. She is great and a follower too! Go take a look at her blog she has some cute scrapbook layouts, but other stuff too! Click on her button over there on the side!

Have a great Monday! :)

Flashback Friday (On Monday...hmmm...)

Four years ago today I was very very very pregnant with Emily. I was discussing with my midwife, Susan, the possibility of delivering Emily early because my gall bladder was about to explode and I could not keep any food down. I was MISERABLE, and to top it all off in a few days our air conditioner would go out and I would have to be the one to meet with companies to replace it. Before she would finally come we would have spent a couple of days in a hotel, about a week at Chris' mom's, and I would have been to the hospital for pre-term labor and gall bladder issues twice.

Then on the morning of July 26th I would go into the hospital to be induced only to find out that I had been labor all night. I didn't know because I was taking pain medication to be able to survive the gall bladder pain I was experiencing. My mom drove up to be with me for the day and my midwife spent the whole day with us during labor. Chris helped me through the pain with hypnosis. I walked the halls endlessly, sat on the birth ball, and did countless other things to manage my pain. FINALLY at about 11:30pm she decided that it was time to come out. I pushed about seven times and out she came. No stitches, nothing.

Now let me tell you if you don't already know, when you have one healthy uncomplicated birth, you really expect that the next one will be exactly the same. She was out about five minutes and it was clear that there was something wrong. These pictures are in the wrong order, but if you scroll down to the bottom you will see what we saw when she came out. She was whisked away to the NICU and the longest seven days of our life began.

When Emily came out she took a VERY DEEP BREATH. This caused all the capillaries in her lungs to burst and newborns' blood does not clot. So she just kept bleeding. From the outside we could just see that she was purple and she had this very weak cry. Susan told me that she was just not adjusting well so they were going to call the NICU and take her up there and we would see her soon. Well, when I got to my post partum room they came down to tell me that I could go see her. We walked to the NICU and were greeted by pediatrician on call and told that it was a freak thing and they were still trying to stop the bleeding.

We were terrified and spent the next few hours just looking at each other not knowing what to do. We had never even considered that our baby wouldn't be healthy. Then to make matters worse the surgeon came down about 7:00am to tell me that I would be prepped for surgery. OH YEAH, my gall bladder had to come out, I had totally forgotten. So Chris had Emily and me to worry about. So I went into surgery and everything went fine. I was in and out so quickly. After recovery we were allowed to see Emily again. They wheeled me down there and we saw all the tubes coming out of her. It was almost too much for me to take. They explained that she was stable and they were still sucking blood, but that she had stopped bleeding and they were going to have to take out some blood, and give her a transfusion most likely.

They sent me home two days later, and I was devastated. How could I leave my baby in the hospital? Then I started going up to the hospital everyday and pumping to feed her. There is much much more to the story, but that is enough for this post. These pictures show you her first few days of life. It is hard to remember, but since her birthday is coming up I thought I would try. I was also inspired by My Sister's Keeper that I saw last week. Ever since I saw the movie I have been thinking about how lucky we have been. It has not felt lucky most of the time, but we have been SO lucky! More tomorrow....

Red, White and Blueberry Skewers

First of all, let me say that I admire all the mommies out there that have more than two kiddos. Second, I want to thank Marie over at Make and Takes for her post about this wonderful, mostly healthy, snack for the fourth of July. It totally saved me last night!

Now for the post...hehe...

Last night I had five kiddos all by myself at my friend Cher's house. I had her two, Spitfire and Destructo, a.k.a. Cadence and Christian, who are 5 and 2. My friend Karon's little boy, Mark David, and my two the Boy Wonder and the Princess, a.k.a. Ben and Emily. Cher picked mine up from school to play for awhile before I got there and I picked up Mark David so his parents could have a nice anniversary dinner. The kiddos played and then we ate dinner. After dinner Cher snuck out to go see a friend for a couple of hours and I set up our dessert/snack. I have to say it was a BIG hit as you will see in the pictures! I never could have imagined it would go over so well. I am putting fruit on skewers more often. They ate way more fruit than marshmallows. I was amazed!

Cher had cautioned me to not give Destructo a skewer just some fruit. But I decided to let him try it, and he did GREAT! he loved putting the blueberries on and then pulling them off and eating them. He has great fine motor skills. And he didn't even poke anyone or try having a sword fight!
Spitfire putting fruit on her skewer.

Mark David concentrating on putting his fruit on the skewer.

Everyone working hard and smashing some blueberries...

look at my pattern...

Yummy...I can't wait to eat this one.

Look at mine, mommy!

Mark David making his yummy skewer...

FINALLY, we get to eat!

Look at mine!

YUMMMY!

YUMMY! Mommy this is the best idea you have ever had!
*beaming mommy*

Look at the boy wonder chow down...and Destructo was reaching for another blueberry to put on his skewer!

Mommy, that blueberry was a little sour...

Can I make another one?

OH MY GOODNESS

I just noticed that yesterday's post was my 200th post! And I have not even been up and running for a year! YEAH! I am excited. I have a post about the cool cards I got from Jeannie over at Queenie Jeannie's, but I have not had a chance to take a pic yet. You guys are going to love them! I can't wait to show you!

Go check her out. I have been trying to put her button on the side since I had her at the favorite blog of the week, but IE sucks. It won't let me do it for some reason!

Enjoy your day and thanks for reading and celebrating my 201st post! :)