next episode...

So we find out that Emily does not have leukemia just some weird infection thing that never really showed up. I believe that we had divine assistance in this matter. Everyone we knew was praying and praying hard for us. The Christmas tea went off without a hitch, thanks to Tracye and her mom, and things seemed to be status quo for just a little while.

Christmas came and brought with it a severe headache for Ben that landed us in the ER with him. Emily seemed to be doing "okay". She still wasn't really sleeping, but things did seem a bit better with her. Ben told us he had a headache on the evening before Christmas Eve. This messed up our Christmas eve plans, but everything turned out fine. We found out he had a sinus infection after a CT scan, and a very long day in the ER. Poor baby.

Christmas day came and we enjoyed it as a family. I was somehow able to hold things together enough to have a good day. Then right after New Year's I began planning Ben's second birthday party.

During this time I took out a loan and stashed the money. This was a small loan about two grand and stashed it. I did not tell Chris about the loan or the cash advances on the credit card that I had taken out. He had really begun pressuring me to take the finances back over, but I saw this as a way for him to take all the money and leave, because truthfully wasn't that what I was essentially planning?

I kept simmering and seething on the inside about everything. This just fueled my psychosis. Everything that he did just caused me to sink further and further into the abyss. However, it was not his fault. And I was told that it really wasn't mine either, but I believe differently. I believe that if I had swallowed my pride and taken my anti-depressants I would have been able to avoid these issues, but....

We had lots of explosive fights over sex and money. The two biggies. We began trying to refinance the house because we had an ARM so we wanted to get out of that. He found out that my credit was off, but didn't really know why so we had to refinance in his name. This further fueled my mental state. Now everything was in his name. Until the refinance the house had been in my name because of him graduating and not having a job yet. Now I didn't even have that. Both cars were in his name, my name was not even on the title. Now the house was in his name and my name not even on the title.

We made it through Ben's birthday party extravaganza, and somehow made everyone believe that everything was fine with our marriage, and me. I am not sure how his happened really. By the time Valentine's day rolled around we were not speaking to each other because of money issues. We were sinking further and further, and I was so far down that I am not sure I would ever resurface. I very rarely had coherent thoughts anymore.

Then on the 15th I worked from home and the daycare called in the afternoon. Emily had had a little cold, but nothing real serious, or so I thought. Stephanie called and said that Emily had "rails". I had no idea what this was and she explained that it was so hard for her to breathe that you could see her ribs every time she took a breath. And that if I didn't come get her they were going to have to call an ambulance...OMG...like I wouldn't come get her. I went immediately and headed straight to the doctor. Our pediatrician was not in the office so we saw the other doctor. He called Children's and told them we were headed there. So we took Ben to grandma's and headed to Children's. He was afraid that Emily had RSV. SURPRISE...when we got to Children's we found out...yep...she has RSV.

That night began our four day stay in the hospital with RSV. It was horrible. We watched them suction and suction and suction stuff out of her lungs. While in the hospital we were visited by a social worker, which is par for the course in a "free" hospital. She spent all of two minutes talking to me and then had to leave. I did not think another thing about it. She never returned to our room.

When we got home we visited our pediatrician to hear that maybe we should go see a pulmonologist. REALLY...you think? I was getting a little fed up and bitter by this point. I loved her, but come on.

So the appointment for the pulmonologist was made for the first week in March. The church called and meals were set-up for us, and friends began calling to bring us support and food. I felt a little more in control of myself when I was at home with the kids that week.

Tuesday after nap the doorbell rang. I thought it was someone from church so I opened the door. Now let me tell you what my house looked like. I had fed Ben some banana bread before nap as a snack and he had ate it at his little table. There were crumbs everywhere. I had to work during nap so as soon as I got them both down I went straight to the computer to work while they slept. I knew Emily would really only give me about an hour.

Okay, back to the visitors. I opened the door to two women that I did not know. Jehovah's Witnesses went through my mind, but no I could only BE so lucky. One of the women introduced herself as Ms. So and So from CPS. WHAT DID YOU SAY? CPS? Really....she asked, can we come in? Well, sure...house is a mess...but come on in.

That's it for today...gotta keep you guys on the edge of your seat, right?