here we go again....

So the nice ladies from CPS walk across the threshold of my beautiful home...not! I offer them a seat and something to drink all the while wondering WTF? Yes...I used the F word. I couldn't for the life of me figure out what they were doing at my house. Did someone actually call CPS on me? What did I do wrong?

So the younger of the two, who obviously did not have any kids began talking to me like I was an fin idiot. She ask me how Emily was doing, and all the niceties like I had invited her over, but you could hear the condescension in her voice. The older of the two ladies, who obviously had children, was talking to Ben. They were both taking in their surroundings. I apologized profusely for the crumbs all over the living room floor and nervously told them the story of what had happened earlier in the day with the bread, which I offered them some, and having to work during nap.

The conversation continued and the younger woman asked me how my PPD was. And informed that the social worker at the hospital was worried that I might hurt my children. WTF???? the woman that I spent all of two minutes with? She told me that this woman noticed that I was really stressed and I had mentioned that I had PPD.

OKAY...now you tell me...if your six month old child is in the hospital for RSV and has not slept for the past six months would you not be a little stressed? PPD or not? AND don't the majority of women get some sort of PPD? REALLY, SERIOUSLY? You see this still pisses me off to no end. If she was so efin worried about me why did she not just come back and hang out with me? Make me feel a little better? See if there was anything, like food, that she could bring to me. Because did I mention that getting food at that hospital when you can't leave the room is a bitch? YEP....they make you buy meal tickets, DOWNSTAIRS...how are you supposed to do that when your child is upstairs and there is no one else in the room with you?

Anyway...I totally digress....

She asks me if I need help. OKAY...another absolutely stupid question. WHAT MOTHER doesn't need help? What mother wouldn't love to have a live in maid/nanny that does it all so she can get 9-12 hours or glorious sleep a night? Can anyone tell me this? So I said yes I would like help, but that we could not afford help. Then she proceeds to tell me about a volunteer organization that would come and hold my baby while I sat and watched. Wow, this is helpful. Hold my baby, awesome...give me some of that kind of help. I am trying really hard at this point not to throw her right out of my house on her ass. But can you do that to a CPS worker? I really don't know.

They stayed a bit longer. I actually liked the older woman. Would have liked to have a real conversation with her. Then as they were finishing up I was asked to provide them with references. The kids school, their pediatrician, and five personal friends who could vouch for me. WHAT? Now I was going to have to tell my friends about this visit. PERFECT!! So I give them all the information that they ask for and they say bye to me and the boy wonder and touch Emily. I wanted to smack both of them now. Don't touch my child without asking. I don't know you and you don't know me.

So they leave and I sit down on the couch by the phone with my list of friends to call. Damn it. I call my friend Andrea first. She is SO pissed. She can't believe that someone would have actually called CPS and that they would have asked for the references. She had just had Jack and was home on maternity leave and her mom was there. Her mom was even incensed about the whole thing. This made me feel better, because if you are honest with yourself even if you are the mother of the year, if CPS shows up at your door you begin to wonder what you have done wrong, and if you should have your children taken from you. Of course this really only lasts for awhile then you just become so freakin angry again. I called all my other friends and told them what was going on, the pediatrician, and the school. SHEESH...those were embarrassing phone calls. But everyone reacted the same, so by the time I was done I felt a little better. When the workers left they said they would be back. So now I would just sit and wait for them.

One of the teachers at the school came over that week to give Chris and I a break. And I went out with my friend Andrea that week as well for a glass of wine. Both were heavenly. I heard nothing else from the CPS workers except a note left on my door one day when I had taken Emily to the doctor to get her cleared to go back to school the next week. So you figure it is over right? WELL...think again my friends.

I hear nothing from CPS for months. Then sometime in May I think it was I get a call from the director at the school and she tells me they have been to see her, and they divulged information about my case that they should not have. They actually told her that I would not except their help so they could not close my case, AND that they had made several phone calls that I had not returned. LIES...LIES...LIES...i had had no return phone calls or visits.

Attorney time. I call an attorney to find out what I need to do. I call the case worker's boss and leave a message. I call the caseworker herself, btw that is the young one. I have to resort to sending a letter to tell them to close the case. Cases are supposed to be resolved within two months, and it had been more than two months by this point. Not only did I want my case resolved, but also my record expunged.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch. I was still being covert about money. I was still letting it all fall apart. But I had decided to cash out my teacher retirement and that would pay off the debts and give me some extra cash when he did leave. Yep I still really believed that he was leaving. If you have never experienced this feeling you have no idea how real this is. You TRULY believe what your mind is telling you, and in your mind you can justify it all. Now if someone asks you to actually talk about it then you start to see the flaws, but most of the time you just gloss over those.