Focusing on the future...

This afternoon I find myself focusing on the future. For once I am not lingering in the past. I am actually indulging in the present.

Monday was pretty uneventful really. I went to work then up to see Jeannie and Caleb. Tuesday, oh yeah, that was JUST yesterday I thought started like any other day. I went to work excited to do some more work with my kiddos on rocks. They have loved the unit and I was excited. Well, we had a guest in our room so we didn't really get to do much with rocks. I was kind of bummed. Then at the end of the day I was called into the director's office and asked to resign. Yes, it's true. And it is because I was sick.

It all goes back to the two weeks before Christmas this year. I had a stomach virus and I was pretty sure that I had had a miscarriage. I went to see the doctor and she was concerned and did some tests and they showed a reason to test me for cervical cancer. I never posted about this because it was all just too fresh and I really didn't want too many people to know. ANYWAY...I called work and told them what was going on and they TOLD me to take time off. Every day I talked to them and told them I wanted to come to work. I needed to get out of the house. I was just sitting around waiting for the test results to come back. It was a very emotionally exhausting time for me. I really needed something to occupy my time and mind and work would have been the perfect thing. BUT...I was not allowed to be there.

I was home for two weeks and the test came back negative, and I got a second opinion and found out it was just a very bad infection.

So now I am unemployed because of something they told me to do. Parents became unhappy because I was not there, which is understandable, but I wanted to be there. Yesterday I lost my job.

Today I went in to tell the kids goodbye. I totally lost it. I love each and every one of them so much. They all wanted to tell me about their lives since the last time we were together and I wanted to hear it. I stayed for about 20 minutes and then left. I am very sad about how everything has happened, but there is nothing I can do to change it. I don't think it is the best thing for the kids, but again it is not something I can change.

So now I am focusing on the future. What does the future hold for me and my family? How will this change things for us, and how will they change for the better? I am not lingering in the past. I did nothing wrong. I taught the kids and did the very best job possible. I loved them and their families with all my heart. I have decided that for ONCE I AM NOT GOING TO BEAT MYSELF UP! I am not going to waste my energy focusing on what if's and should haves. I am not angry about what happened, I am just sad that it happened. AND right now I am indulging in thoughts of how good the present really is.