Door closed...waiting for the window

I hate to harp on what's going on these days, BUT....

I am still dealing with the loss of my job. The depression of the whole situation just hit me this week. I thought I was okay but apparently I really am not. Every day it is a struggle just to get out of bed and take my meds that keep me going. I have really never lost a job before, and especially one that I loved and thought I was doing a good job at.

I know that the feelings I am having are not true intellectually, but the depression starts to make me believe they are who I am. I am not worthless, I know that, but I am having a hard time really convincing myself.

Everyone loses a job at least once in their life right? This is just my time, right?

Where is my window? I need to find my window. I think it is in the fact that I get to finally be a stay at home mom, but this scares the crap out of me as well.

So now I am waiting for the window, but maybe I should be looking?

AND...seven weeks later...

Caleb is getting out of the hospital tomorrow! YEAH! His going home party is at 11:30am at the hospital. After so much drama and lots of hard work he is finally going home. He looks great and we are so proud of him!

Focusing on the future...

This afternoon I find myself focusing on the future. For once I am not lingering in the past. I am actually indulging in the present.

Monday was pretty uneventful really. I went to work then up to see Jeannie and Caleb. Tuesday, oh yeah, that was JUST yesterday I thought started like any other day. I went to work excited to do some more work with my kiddos on rocks. They have loved the unit and I was excited. Well, we had a guest in our room so we didn't really get to do much with rocks. I was kind of bummed. Then at the end of the day I was called into the director's office and asked to resign. Yes, it's true. And it is because I was sick.

It all goes back to the two weeks before Christmas this year. I had a stomach virus and I was pretty sure that I had had a miscarriage. I went to see the doctor and she was concerned and did some tests and they showed a reason to test me for cervical cancer. I never posted about this because it was all just too fresh and I really didn't want too many people to know. ANYWAY...I called work and told them what was going on and they TOLD me to take time off. Every day I talked to them and told them I wanted to come to work. I needed to get out of the house. I was just sitting around waiting for the test results to come back. It was a very emotionally exhausting time for me. I really needed something to occupy my time and mind and work would have been the perfect thing. BUT...I was not allowed to be there.

I was home for two weeks and the test came back negative, and I got a second opinion and found out it was just a very bad infection.

So now I am unemployed because of something they told me to do. Parents became unhappy because I was not there, which is understandable, but I wanted to be there. Yesterday I lost my job.

Today I went in to tell the kids goodbye. I totally lost it. I love each and every one of them so much. They all wanted to tell me about their lives since the last time we were together and I wanted to hear it. I stayed for about 20 minutes and then left. I am very sad about how everything has happened, but there is nothing I can do to change it. I don't think it is the best thing for the kids, but again it is not something I can change.

So now I am focusing on the future. What does the future hold for me and my family? How will this change things for us, and how will they change for the better? I am not lingering in the past. I did nothing wrong. I taught the kids and did the very best job possible. I loved them and their families with all my heart. I have decided that for ONCE I AM NOT GOING TO BEAT MYSELF UP! I am not going to waste my energy focusing on what if's and should haves. I am not angry about what happened, I am just sad that it happened. AND right now I am indulging in thoughts of how good the present really is.

Sunday night

I am writing because I need to post. I really have nothing too important to say but I promised myself I would post more often so here goes.

I can't believe it is already Sunday night here in our house. The kids are in bed and the man is out for some guy time and I am home alone. I love having time by myself. I miss him when he is gone but being with me is good as well.

I spent today taking care of things around the house that I have put off. I might actually get the laundry done tonight and the bathrooms are clean. This is a feat for me lately I have just had too much going on and no real motivation to get anything done.

I feel like a fog has been lifted and I am finally ready to take care of a few things that have been nagging at me. I am hopeful this week will be productive. I will keep you all posted! :)

Afternoon Movie

Today has been a terrific day for me and my sweetie. We started our day with brunch at Cafe Brazil...SO.YUMMY. I love Cafe Brazil and he doesn't but he took me there anyway. I love going there and getting all the yummy coffee I want not to mention the YUMMY fried sweet potatoes I had today.

We bought a newspaper and sat and read it like we had nothing else better to do. It was so fun. The art of doing absolutely nothing and really loving it. It has been way too long since we have had a morning like that together. Chris read the funnies and I read the front page and looked through the coupons!

After about two hours we left and went to the movies to see Cop Out. It was HILARIOUS! We also drank a gigantic slurpee. It was truly the best time we have had in a long time. Now back to the real world, but it is nice to have the memory of our life before kids.

Don't get me wrong our life is so much better and richer now that they are here, but it is fun to remember what it was like before they came along and what it will be like when they leave. It makes me excited to think about our life together in a few short years. I love this man.

Emily's first blanket

So this morning I was reading blogs and Emily was sitting next to me. We stumbled upon one that was showing fleece blankets and a new way to tie them. Emily got it in her head that she wanted to make one TODAY. SO...we headed to the fabric store and luckily the fleece was 50% off so we found some cute stuff for cheap!

I was amazed because from start to finish this project took us an hour. I cut the fleece for her and I helped with the pulling through. It turned out so cute! She is a girl after my own heart. Now she is thinking of all the people she wants to make one for. Maybe you will even get one! :)

Favorite Blog of the Week...

So I am sick today. I feel pretty crappy but I decided to spend sometime working on this blog o' mine. I have gotten a few new followers so I want to make it worth coming to the blog and looking around!

SO...here is my new favorite blog I found it by visiting IKAT bag which is another one of my favorite sewing blogs. Go take a look at Jill's blog.