Thursday, February 18, 2010

Really...I try not to make it all about me....REALLY

See here is the thing even when life is really good and seems to be going along pretty much okay I still have an old invisible cloak that is wrapped around my shoulders all the time. This cloak is affectionately called Anger. My cloak of anger is always, always, always there. Sometimes the cloak itself is invisible and sometimes it is like that beloved cloak in Harry Potter and it makes me invisible.

The times when the cloak is invisible are my good times. The only thing I really feel is a little bit of the hood on my head. I can feel Anger surrounding my head but I can still manage to feel happiness and not strike out at everyone around me all the time.

The times when I become invisible are my REALLY BAD times. These are the times that I lose myself completely in the anger and everyone is exposed to me at my complete worst. I used to blame everyone and everything for my anger, but I take full responsibility.

I take meds that help me with the angry feelings that I have, but some of them still break through. I have been having some really bad days lately.

I am trying to get it under control with exercise and good sleep, but I HATE exercise, and I am not a good sleeper. I can sleep a lot, but I never feel like I have rested at all. I mean never. This is not an exaggeration. I have night terrors and when I wake up from a full night's sleep I still feel like I need to sleep about 12 more.

But everyone looking into my life would say...things are good, why are you so angry? That's a really good question. Why am I so angry? Why can't I let things go? Why does this cloak continue to hang over me and my entire life?

Well, I know the answer to why I am angry. But how to let it go is as elusive as that pot of gold I have been searching for at the end of that rainbow. Do I really love my cloak that much? Am I scared what life would be like without the cloak around me?

3 comments:

Christy said...

:(

May you find the strength to let go and be free of that cloak.

Cullum Family said...

Thanks Christy I am trying so hard

London Still said...

It is so interesting to hear someone describe a problem like this in such a way. I often describe my relationship with depression as a "black coat," one I have worn in, smells like home, and even though it makes me miserable, the one thing i can say for it is that it is deliciously familiar-- the kind of familiar that doesn't necessarily make you feel at ease, it is simply comfortable because it is KNOWN.

I am an extroverted person, a professional actress, but this "coat" lingers in my proverbial "closet" ready to be, aching to be worn whenever I am ready. "Ah yes," my heart will say "this dependable old friend...I know how to do this..."

I think keeping it in my "closet" is healthy-- a life without the "coat" altogether wouldn't be balanced either, and it serves a purpose in providing a suitable contrast that aides in my appreciation of joyful experiences all the more, but oftentimes I feel the mere potential power of the "coat" is distracting.

Good luck with anger and thank you for a little piece of cyber commiseration x