Age brings perspective. This is a truth whether we want to admit it or not. Getting older and looking back over the experiences of our life give us perspective. I feel that sometimes our perspectives can be clouded with sentiment, expectations, and emotions. I also feel that I have not always used my perspective for my advantage.
At the moment I am at a crossroads in my life. I have come to the crossroad of early adulthood and middle age. I feel as though I have just grown up in the last two years. I have technically been called a grown up for eighteen years now, but I have not acted like a grown up. I have gone to college, been married, gone to graduate school, had two careers and working on the third, two kids, owned two houses, three or four cars, and now about two acres of land. However, I have never really grown up. I can act like a grown up for a little while, but I have a hard time sustaining it. I am stuck in all my muck and mire.
Sometimes the mud gets so thick that I am just wading through it. I am not actually living. I am only existing. I have gotten caught somewhere in my conflicts of my past. Our past is supposed to shape our lives and our future, but I am pretty sure it is not supposed to consume it. However, that is just what has been happening to me. I have been allowing my past to happen to me over and over and over again. I relive each portion of my childhood over and over and over again. Mistakes I have made in my adult life are repeated, and I get caught in this spiral of unhealthy choices, emotions, behaviors, and actions.
I believe that my perspective is allowing me to take a good look at myself. Surprisingly, I don't know if I like what I see.