Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Emily's Story part 3

I am calling this Emily's story, but I realized this morning that it is my story too. It is helping to write this down even if it was four years ago. I don't think I have processed it fully in these last four years. It has only been very recently that I have come out of the dealing with Emily fog. And, please don't think I say that with any bitterness. I LOVE MY CHILD...dearly...I would never trade her or any of this for anything. Because of all the things that I am writing about, she and I have a DEEP bond that I never would have had otherwise. I have a deep bond with Ben as well, it is just really different. Emily is my girl, she is my precious little girl that slept with me almost every night for two years, and on my chest for 18 of those months. I resented her for a time, but what I have come to realize is that I did not resent her, but God. But I will get to that. This is just a small disclaimer because I do not want anyone to think that I don't feel truly blessed by this child every single day of my life.

Now that that is said...let's get on with the story...

We left off with Emily at 12 weeks old. So if you haven't guessed yet that at 12 weeks old things did not magically change. I was slipping deeper and deeper into my depression, and I had to go back to work. I had been working most of my maternity leave, because that is just the way it goes in publishing. But, now I was required to go back into the office for about eight hours a day, and be coherent and do my job. So Emily went to school and I went to work. Nights grew increasingly worse because there was absolutely no time to catch up on my sleep. And I should fill you in on all the things I was trying to do as well.

I was on the Women's Ministry Board at our church and one of my responsibilities was to plan our only outreach for the year which was the Christmas tea. And now I know what you are thinking...WTH???? But stick with me remember me control freak who can't give anything up or let anyone down? Yeah well if you forgot there is your reminder. ;) So Tracye dedicated herself to helping me with this monumental project. And without her I would NEVER have been able to pull it off. I actually should not even say that I pulled it off, I should say that she did. I did my fair share yes, but she pretty much planned it and pulled it off. She is forever my hero. I will never be able to thank her enough or really express my complete and total gratitude.

So newborn, 18 month old, husband, working, and planning the Christmas tea/brunch. Under normal circumstances this is a lot and anyone who decided to do it would be crazy, but these were not normal circumstances by any stretch of the imagination.

This is where things start to get really difficult. If you can't tell that I have been stalling, I have. This is the part that I keep hidden, deep down in the depths of my soul. I hold there and never let it out. I always worry about what is going to happen when I let it out and it just seems like I will die so I keep it hidden. So if I keel over writing this you will know why. :)

At twelve weeks I took Emily in for a check-up and told her pediatrician that things were not any different. She still wasn't sleeping and when you did lay her down to sleep she would sleep for maybe twenty minutes before you could see her wake herself up. She looked like she was in pain and uncomfortable. I kept endless notes and logs about her. I was literally going crazy, certifiably crazy. I was living off about three hours of sleep a night, some nights no real sleep at all.

So the pediatrician told me to take her to get an upper GI to see if she had reflux. So we headed to the hospital and they did the upper GI, and yes of course she had reflux and it was affecting her lungs. reflux medicine in her milk. Okay, so this helps, a little. We are both so very sleep deprived, but I am somehow managing to make it to work and get something done, plus be a mom. But here is where the honesty starts to come in...not a wife.

This is also the part of the story where my PPP or Post Partum Psychosis begins to creep in. I somehow decide that Chris is going to leave me, and in my brain I begin to plot how this is going to happen, and I'll be damned. He is NOT going to leave me, and if he does he will have nothing...I MEAN kids, no money, nothing, and I would have what I needed...right?

My brain became consumed with these thoughts all the time. I didn't know where they came from, and when my head would clear I would wonder what was going on. My coherent moments were few, but they were there and I would make a pact with myself to keep them and to stop the preparations I was making. But then, they were gone. I couldn't hold onto them anymore than you can hold onto a wisp of smoke. They felt like they would just float through my fingers.

Okay...this is all I can do for now. I know some of you who know me actually know what is coming next. If you can believe it things with Emily actually get worse, and I continue to get worse as well. It seems like a lifetime ago, but still so real to me. Chris if you are reading, which I am pretty sure you are not, I am sorry, you should probably skip this unless you want to relive the whole thing over again, sweetie. And I have to say my husband is saint material. I don't think there is anyone out there who could love me more. We have our moments, but I love him and I know with every fiber of my being that he loves me. As I finish up this story in the next day or so you will see just how much he loves me.


Jason, Allison & Charlotte said...

I want to give you a great big gigantic hug and squeeze the sweet out of you.

Cullum Family said...

thanks for the wonderful you! :)