Wednesday, July 15, 2009

hmmm....ready for the next installment

Okay, so after many many many phone calls and heartache, I finally get the CPS cased closed and then expunged. By this time it is almost July. Emily's birthday is coming up. Year one is almost over and I can't believe it is almost done. We start planning her first birthday party.

Oh, I think I forgot to mention that we saw the pulmonologist and found out that she has asthma due to her hemorrhage when she was born. He starts her on meds and it immediately begins to get better. She does get pneumonia once more this year, but we are able to deal with much easier. Things begin to look up for us on the health front. I feel like a horrible mother because I should have pushed more in the beginning. I mean, duh, right????

As we are planning the party at our house, I am falling deeper and deeper into the abyss of mental instability. And we are falling deeper and deeper into financial instability. I begin the paperwork to cash out my teacher retirement to get us out of trouble and put some away. And I begin counseling and medication. I was starting to realize that there was something truly wrong with me. Even though I was seeing a counselor I was not honest with her. I am not sure I was honest with anyone during this time, not even myself. I was living so many lies that I am surprised I could keep them all going. My rock bottom was coming and fast. I was hurtling toward the earth at break neck speed.

My rock bottom happened right after Emily's birthday party. Chris decided that he was tired of living in the dark about our finances once and for all. OH SHIT...what was I going to do? I really only had two choices...either stay and come clean, or leave. I actually contemplated leaving. The more meds I got into my system the more I realized what I had been doing, and wondered what the hell I was thinking. I hoped that my teacher retirement would be enough to get us out of trouble. I had also hoped that it would come before Chris found out, but, no such luck.

There are threats to leave from Chris, and offers from me. He begins to sort things out and see just what kind of mess I have gotten us into, and so begins his path to grace. I am continually amazed at how much grace he extended me when he did not have to. When I think about it now I wonder how we ever survived.

He was so angry at me, and for good reason. I had lied to him so many times. I wondered how he was ever going to trust me again. Were we going to make it through? Well, we did. That is the short version. The long version is that we are still healing from the damage that I caused with this. My husband extended so much grace to me that within a week of finding out about all this and sorting it out he told me that he forgave me. Told me to stop beating myself up and move on. He loved me and that was all that mattered. I have spent the last four years punishing myself in lots of different ways to try and make it better, but punishment didn't help. You see I think the worst of it was that he was able to forgive me. I wanted him to get so angry with me that he left. Then I would be justified right? Then all the things I had been "preparing" to do would have worked out. But he was able to find grace. Grace that I would have never thought possible for another human being to extend.

Is everything perfect for us, not by any stretch of the imagination. Do we still fight about money? Oh, absolutely. But, are we stronger than ever? YES. God walked with both of us through all of this. He was there even in the depths of depression and psychosis for me because we could have been in a lot worse trouble when he finally took control of our situation. He was there when Chris found out and kept his heart from becoming as hard and cold as a stone. I could be living in a war zone, but instead I am living with a man that loves me so deeply and completely that he is able to forgive me. Does he insist that I take medication? You betcha! Is that okay with me...ABSOLUTELY.

Tomorrow I will post about other wonderful things that God did in the midst of this situation. So, now all of you know my deep dark secret. I feel better letting it out, and I know the Lord had some purpose for pushing me to tell all of you. I can't wait to see how he works all of this out for good.


Mark said...


I am in awe of your vulnerability. Thank you for sharing your story. You are an amazing friend and cousin. Remember, the dark times make the tapestry of our lives more beautiful.

Love you!


Cullum Family said...

thanks for the encouragement! I could not do it without that...and without the Lord...I am not sure why he has led me to do this...I may never fully know...

Queenie Jeannie said...

Thanks so much for your support for Bella!

And the card shop blog is NOW OPEN!! With a contest too...